For the most part, I’m a positive, glass-half-full, appreciate-the-small-things kind of person. Whenever a small annoyance occurs in my life–for example, when a certain coworker of mine sends me an email, prints out said email, and then hand-delivers the hard copy of the email to me at my desk so that we can discuss the email I AM ALREADY READING–I try to remember that things could be so, so much worse, and then things seem a lot brighter while I’m grinding my teeth with rage and trying to calm the throbbing vein in my forehead.
I SAW YOUR DAMN EMAIL STOP WASTING PAPER AND MY TIME HRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNGH!
However, I think there’s a limit to appreciating the small things, and/or seeing the silver lining in what appears to be a shitty situation. Some situations really are shitty, and if you try to be the one ray of sunshine chirping about how great things are when everyone else just wants to wallow in sadness for a minute, then I’m afraid you deserve whatever ostracizing comes your way.
No one likes an enthusiastic optimist.
It is in this spirit that I bring you the following forward that was sent to me courtesy of reader Elizabeth. Elizabeth, I hope you took some time to look for a silver lining surrounding the fact that an actual loving relative of yours sent you this crap. I’ll get you started: At least…you can change email addresses? That’s all I got.
Here we go!
Uh-oh. “Nicest” is capitalized. This does not bode well.
I am also thankful for my son, who grows gammas instead of hair and has two differently sized eyes. Jeez — what the hell is wrong with him? Maybe we should lay off those hot dogs.
Wow — this forward has some seriously low standards. Wife makes crappy dinner? Husband is a lazy slug? WELL AT LEAST THEY’RE NOT GETTING DRUNK AND FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE, now shut up and eat your hot dogs. Little Gamma hates it when we fight.
It sure is irritating to hear your teen daughter and bitch and moan about loading the dishwasher, but man, now that you mention it, I guess it IS better than her giving blowies for $5 a pop behind the Taco Bell. PERSPECTIVE!
News you can use: you still have to pay taxes when you’re unemployed, but thanks, forward, for trying to get us all imprisoned anyway.
Indeed, it is quite heartwarming to clean dried Pabst vomit from between the couch cushions.
HAAAHAHAHA. Allow me to call bullshit on this one on behalf of the rest of the damn world. The warmth that comes over you whenever your favorite jeans feel tight is not gratitude. It’s rage.
The fuck? Are shadows some sort of giant problem or something? Is anyone actively cursing the presence of their shadow on the reg? DO I REALLY HAVE TO APPRECIATE MY SHADOW NOW, FORWARD?!
Wait. Maybe they’re actually talking about Shadow People, in which case I will not be sleeping tonight.
DO NOT WANT
And it means that home is a shit hole. Probably because you do dumb things like RUN YOUR LAWNMOWER RIGHT OVER THE FUCKING FLOWERS, OMG.
Ah, forward, I see you do not have a Facebook account.
So, if you are not capable of walking, all it takes is finding a parking spot at the far end of the lot to heal you? Forward, you are drunk.
So, now I have to be grateful for other people’s lack of talent? Is this what Ke$ha has been trying to teach us all along?!
“I can’t wait ’til those bitches at the office see me working this hand towel.”
Or it means I am seriously ill with a terrible disease. BUT AT LEAST I HAVE A BODY FOR DISEASING.
FUCK. THAT. SHIT.
Or it means that I am really behind at work and probably won’t survive the next round of downsizing either way STOP YELLING AT ME.
A sparkly gif with buttons, a cloying font, and a mouse in overalls making an O-face? I’m not even mad; that’s amazing.